is for me to report that Sheila Bell Messier, our beloved Superwoman, has
succumbed to madness.Ever eccentric,
Ms. Bell has now crossed into the netherworld of complete insanity. Bats in her belfry?Perhaps.
by her love of music, she has integrated into the workplace an upright piano,
upon which she tinkles incessantly while her colleagues at Marshall Home Health
Care languor in the lingering loudness of her melodies.Cited by OSHA for Noise Pollution in the
Workplace, the unfettered Bell forges ahead with her grand
experiment - making millions by musical madness.
to avoid speaking entirely, Bell has taken to communicating
exclusively by piano with her subordinates.So insulated from the oft-revealing spoken word, secure Sheila can now
avoid the embarrassment of blunt outburst that haunt her from within.Paranoia no longer threatens her, as she
pecks away at tunes to convey her whim and wisdom to the workforce.Managing musically, it is only through the
keyboard that she now speaks. Her vocal silence is not entirely unwelcome to
working (if you don’t already) for Marshall.Your telephone rings on the intercom line.You pick up the phone to hear a piano
tinkling out a strain of “Tulsa Turnaround.”The message?Very simple.It means report to the travel desk to pick up the tickets and itinerary
for a meeting in Tulsa, returning the same day.Bizarre, perhaps, but it does make the workday a bit more interesting.
theme from “Pump Boys and Dinettes” emits from your voice mail.As Marketing Manager, this is clearly your
charge to prepare a presentation to demonstrate the new Erecto
Penile Implant Inflator to a team of urologists and their nurses.It just takes a little imagination, but
you’ll soon catch on.
manager hears “Cajun Moon” streaming from his workstation.Astutely, he recognizes a problem requiring
his immediate attention.The message
conveys two elements; a) Information - The manager of the Thibodeaux, Louisiana store has shown his ass, and b)
A Directive - You are to be there by dark to resolve the issue.As you can see, this work is not for those of
low intellect, as the implications of the tuneful communication can be quite
sales person, are summoned to Sheila’s office after a trip down south. The boss does not speak, but sits down at the
piano and plays a few bars of “HoochieKoochieMan.”Obviously she has gained knowledge of that unfortunate evening last
week, dancing the night away with the blond bimbo in the Bamboo Bar in Baton Rouge.No need to get stressed out, here.Just sit down beside her and pick out the tune of “I’m Sorry.”She returns with the chorus of “It’s All Over
Now.”You have been summoned on the
carpet, sought and received absolution, and the matter will not be further addressed.Maybe this musical madness is a good thing
renditions would replace routine discourse.“Take Me To The River” would indicate a desire
of Ms. Bell to be accompanied to a riverboat casino for a round of
gambling.“How High the Moon” would
suggest that it is time to update your sales projection for the coming
quarter.“Hit the Road, Jack,” a musical
pink slip, is your cue to clean out your desk and report to the payroll clerk
for your severance.“Any Old Time You Wanna Come Back Home” on your home answering machine would
imply that Ms. Bell dismissed you in a fit of uncontrollable rage and, fearing
a wrongful discharge suit, wants bygones to be bygones and begs your return to
The Biedenharn Principle
and fifty years ago, the Biedenharn family owned a
string of cotton plantations that extended across the delta from Monroe to Vicksburg.Old man Biedenharn concocted a drink using caramel
flavoring in a spritzer, laced with a pinch of
cocaine.He would serve a ration of the
beverage to his Negro slaves each morning and at .They would take off singing and dancing and would deliver four to five
hundred pounds of cotton each per day.He started a bottling company in Vicksburg and the product, so it is told,
was later marketed as Coca Cola.He was
one of the most innovative and successful manipulators of mankind in recent history.
Bell has obviously studied the case of Biedenharn,
fascinated by his commercial triumph.Marshallemployees
may soon expect work songs to emanate from the big office in a constant stream
to inspire their productivity to rise to the next level.“Jump Down Spin Around
Pick a Bale O’Cotton” will ring through the offices
as “Dessy” Bell (as in decibel) loudly bangs out
cotton-field themes.“Oh Lord! Pick A Bale O’Cotton” echoes throughout
the building as busy clerks diligently shuffle through bales of unpaid Medicare
billings.The pace increases day by day,
and then it is discovered that both the water cooler and the coffee pot have
been adulterated with methamphetamine.
melodic flow of “Fur Elise” gives way to more metaphorically meaningful
business tunes, Sheila has set the stage for the next phase of her musical
experiment. If the piano stuff works,
the next step is a brass band playing stirring Sousa marches.
best is yet to come.The piano now mastered,
Sheila is taking up the trombone.