December 30, 2006
MALICIOUS CASTRATION CHARGED
A Lillington, NC woman is charged with Malicious Castration after an incident that took place at a Christmas party. Both parties were intoxicated, but that makes no excuse for the 50 stitches required to close the breach inflicted by the lady with her BARE HANDS on her unfortunate suitor.
The alleged assailant, Rebecca Arnold Dawson, has been released on bond and does not have a date for New Years Eve.
December 22, 2006
NOT QUITE SQUEAKY CLEAN
Mayor Ray Nagin of New Orleans is proudly taking credit for the new trash hauling contract for the city, awarded to one of his cronies. (Western Waste begged "No mas!") New garbage trucks with robotic arms and squirting hoses are set to go into action, ridding the French Quarter of all that is filthy, There is one problem, however; The large containers required by the robotic can handling devices are too wide to fit in tiny French Quarter alleys, and thus must be placed inside the dwellings, since a city ordinance will not allow the sidewalks to be cluttered with the voluminous vessels. An average French Quarter apartment is about the size of a motel room, large enough to house the mandated 35-gallon garbage can, but not the residents, too.
You go, Ray!
December 20, 2007
MISS USA GOING STRAIGHT
Under pressure from pageant czar, Donald Trump, Tara Conner, Miss USA, pledged to do better. Trump condescended to allow Connor to stay on if she would shun alcohol, drugs, and sex, they main things around which her life has been centered. She will enter rehab after she spends Christmas with her family.
Trump who neither smokes, nor drinks, will have periodic conjugal visits with Connor to speed her recovery.
December 14, 2007
BILLY GRAHAM'S FINAL RESTING PLACE IN CONTROVERSY
Franklin Graham, son and heir-apparent to the Billy Graham Crusade, being a man of vision, has suggested that a Billy Graham Library be constructed in the theme of a barn with an imposing cross imbedded at the entry. The elder Graham and his wife, Ruth, would be interred within, should son Franklin have his wish. A talking cow (No shit, I didn't make this up!) would grace the foyer to shake down the visiting multitudes for donations. (Billy claims he never asked anybody for a dime.)
Other family members, notably, younger son, Ned (not connected in any way with Club Ned), are adamantly opposed to the plan. We pray to The Almighty that Ned and his supporters will prevail and allow the Grahams to rest in due dignity.
STRICKEN SENATOR COULD SHIFT POWER TO GOP
Demonstrating symptoms of a stroke, South Dakota Senator Tim Johnson was hospitalized and underwent an operation. Should Johnson become incapacitated, the Republican Governor could make a critical appointment for his replacement, shifting the balance of power in the Senate to the Republicans. If the GOP regains control of the Senate, they are expected to request the use of Johnson's golf clubs.
CIRCUMCISION FOUND TO REDUCE AIDS RISK
Researchers have noted a markedly lower incidence of AIDS among circumcised males. Possibly distorting the statistics is the propensity of Jewish males to avoid intimate contact with green monkeys.
December 11, 2006
CROOKS AD INFINITUM
Louisiana’s William Jefferson won his race for re-election to the U.S. House of Representatives using left-over bumper stickers from the Edwin Edwards campaign that begged "Re-elect the Crook." Payment for the stickers is being withheld pending release of Jefferson's freezer stash of marked funds held by the FBI.
Mary Cheney, lesbian daughter of the Vice President, is pregnant. Mercifully, details of the blessed event have not been released. The lingering question remains, who killed the rabbit?
JUST GO, KOFI
Kofi Annan, on the way out at the UN, took time to slam America's role in the troubled world. Reading between the lines, one might conclude that Annan was pissed off because the war in Iraq cut off Annan's access to the millions in Oil for Food kickbacks that he, his son, and friends received from Saddam Hussein. There was no mention of his accomplishments regarding the ongoing genocide in his African homeland.
ROCKY BALBOA RETURNS
If you enjoy watching octogenarian past champions tee off at the Masters, then you'll probably enjoy watching a 60-year-old prize fighter getting his ass whipped on the giant silver screen.
THE INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE ON REVIEW OF THE HOLOCAUST
Seeking to rewrite history, radical Islamics gather in Tehran to sweep the Holocaust under their Persian rug. Ignoring the irrefutable evidence and the smoking furnaces, the group seeks to find other excuses for the six million human beings who didn't show up for work and didn't call in. Typhus, they say, is a possible cause. That's only slightly better than claiming a train wreck claimed all those lives. Invited speaker and former Ku Klux Klan leader, David Duke, stated that no furnaces or death camps even existed.
No matter how incredible the anti-Holocaust claims are, expect the madrassas to adjust their curriculum to conform to the predictable "findings" of the 67-member council.
DENNIS KUCINICH TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT
Proven loser, Dennis Kucinich, challenges Tom Vilsack for the most insignificant candidacy in modern political history.
DANCE OF THE CHRISTMAS TREES
Seattle's port authority rushed to remove Christmas trees from the Sea-Tac airport after a rabbi, demanding a similar display of a menorah, threatened suit if he didn't get his way. Public outcry and threatening calls to the rabbi have now brought the trees back. The rabbi never sought to have the trees removed, he stated, simply demanding equal exposure for the symbol of Hanukkah. The Christians win this round, as no menorah will be displayed. "Maybe next year," say officials.
Kwanzaa advocates were unavailable for comment.
COMPLICATING THE SIMPLE LIFE
Responding to reports of an SUV driving the wrong way on an L.A. freeway, police found Nicole Ritchie at the wheel of her SUV, facing in the right direction, but stopped dead on the freeway. She was charged with DUI and released on bond.
A person would have to be drunk to drive drunk on an L.A. freeway.