NEW YEARS EVE ON THE GREEN
(as suggested by the UN Climate Change Conference)
In keeping with the concerted efforts of those who believe that the world is coming to a cataclysmic end (Chicken Little, et al) as a result of man's callous abuse of the environment, we suggest the following plan for celebrating a Green New Years Eve.
Beverages - Nix the champagne, beer, and soda pop. Effervescent beverages emit dangerous CO2 into the fragile atmosphere. Distilled liquors should be shunned for their consumption of fossil fuel and subsequent carbon emissions during distillation. Fermented beverages are OK, but those aged in wooden barrels pose a threat to the forests. Wine bottles and corks must be recycled if vino is consumed by revelers. We suggest water or natural fruit juices from reusable stone vessels.
Smoking - We all know the dangers of smoking cigarettes and pot, so just say 'No' on New Years Eve. (Medical pot users may toke with a doctor's letter attesting to the constant need of the weed.)
Heating - Turn off the heat, whether produced by combustive means or by electricity. The natural resources used to produce this artificial warmth are predominantly fossil fuels - evil in every way and the very bane of mankind. Wear a heavy jacket and snuggle at every opportunity. (See Romance)
Lighting - Senseless illumination consumes electricity by the giga-watt. The burning of candles or oil lamps releases dangerous hydrocarbons into the air. Darkness is the responsible option. You can also grow mushrooms without light. Another bonus is that beauty is also enhanced by darkness. (See Romance)
Food - Cooked or processed food requires the use of fossil fuels, depletes our precious water supply, and fouls the air with the aroma of delectable dishes. Meats are out for any number of energy and humane issues. Raw fish is harvested by diesel-powered boats, so shuck the sushi and clam up on the oysters. We suggest raw vegetables and fruits. To avoid personal gas emissions, sprinkle with Beano. Peyote buttons are OK, too, but legal only when used in Indian religious rituals. Have another celery stalk and be happy!
Clothing - Polyester and metallic garments are discouraged for the obvious detrimental consequences of their fossil-fueled manufacture. Cotton or wool are preferred fibers, but only if gleaned by hand-carding.
Transportation - Forget driving a car or using public transportation. These wicked concepts drain our Earth of its fuels either to power the engines of vehicles, or to produce the cement and asphalt used for our streets and highways. Either stay home in the dark, or walk to the party. Bikes are OK, too (notwithstanding the metals, plastics, and rubber used in their construction).
Fireworks - Forget the use of sulphur-based explosives. Just gaze at the stars.
Music - Canned music is out. Live bands are out. Too many highly emissive processes are required to produce the musical instruments, CD's, and electronic broadcasts. Singing is out, too (requires exhalation of excessive CO2 from the lungs). Rhythmic percussion is the only acceptable way to produce green musical entertainment, if not done too vigorously. Are we having fun yet?
Dancing - Long held in disfavor by many religious groups, dancing increases the heart rate and causes heavy breathing. (See Romance)
Romance - The use of such ruses as "dinner and a movie," alcoholic consumption, and dancing all strain our environment by consuming vital energy resources and polluting the air with the exhausts of the various processes that produce the prepared food, celluloid film, and distilled alcohol. Sing to your baby and hope for the best (Good luck). Oh yeah, latex (emulsified tree sap) condoms must not be used for fear of depleting our tropical rain forests. Heavy breathing introduces excessive CO2 into the atmosphere. Considering the danger of overpopulation, perhaps abstinence should be the theme. Celibate the New Year.
Medication - Should you break the rules and over-consume alcohol, the hangover remedy should be limited to natural herbs. Chew a few coca leaves, and you'll feel better. If coca is not readily available, consider acupuncture or hari kari. Sometimes a vigorous physical workout will drive away the demons. (See Romance)
Clean-up - Parties always yield excessive debris which tax our landfills. Stomp small or thin biodegradable residue into the ground. Bulky items may be composted or simply left to rot in the sun. Durable leftovers should be recycled. Never use soap or disinfectant, because they contain all sorts of terrible chemical compounds. Keep an array of enzymes handy in lieu of soap. You do know how to trap and reproduce enzymes, don't you?
Perhaps a Green New Years Eve party is not as fun as the traditional bacchanal, but the benefits of gentle treatment of our planet far outweigh the fun you might otherwise have had. Think about what the polar bears are doing on New Years Eve. (See Romance)
Happy New Year!