August 12, 2004

Suspected Club Champ shoots 136



Texarkana, TX , August 12, 2004 (Reuters)  Information found on a laptop computer in Pakistan reveals a bizarre tale of intrigue involving Al Qaeda infiltration of professional sports in America.  Infinitely detailed, the plan called for woefully inept players to be introduced into the field of play to bring down the sport.  The resultant loss of revenue from poor play would destroy the $54 billion sports industry in the United States.  The first evidence of the plan in action took place in Texarkana, Texas on Saturday, August 6.

In the guise of a seasoned golf amateur, a local golfer was enlisted to play under an assumed name, reportedly for a fee of $150.  Lacking the necessary skills to be competitive, Golden Higgins, the name given at registration, hacked around the Texarkana Golf Ranch for nearly six hours, accumulating a horrid score of 136, and petrifying the flow of play at the Tight Lies professional golf tournament.

This was the first test by Al Qaeda operatives to actually apply their dastardly plan in a real setting.  It was immensely successful sending scores soaring, even eliciting a lambasting article on the local Texarkana Gazette in which writer Louie Avery fell just short of calling Higgins ugly names.  The tournament was a dismal failure giving credence to the Al Qaeda idea that the sports industry can be destroyed more easily than buildings.

A copy of the imposterís golf handicap card was found on the computer.  Officials say that they believe the man was merely a stooge, unwittingly drawn into the plan, and they donít believe him to be an Al Qaeda member.  The identity of the man known only as Golden Higgins remains a secret, but investigators are working a lead obtained from a local golf course superintendent.  Reports indicate that house-to-house searches are being conducted by Homeland Security agents in neighboring Texarkana, Arkansas.