The News Raises Questions


November 22, 2003 -  It’s been a busy week.  American targets in Iraq have been attacked by mortars launched from donkey carts.  The King of Pop has been arrested on charges of sexual molestation of a child.  The fortieth anniversary of the Kennedy assassination has dominated documentary channels.  A middle Eastern expert reports that Osama Bin Laden and several of his top aides are enjoying safe harbor in Iran.  Iranis are cooking up nuclear bombs.  The Queen of England had The President and First Lady as her house guests for the better part of the week.   Turkish targets take fire from Al Qaeda.  Malvo pleads insanity.  Mohammed case goes to the jury.  Scott Peterson ordered to stand trial.  Mark Garagos take on another case.  Record producer Phil Spector is charged with murder.  The Senate blocks the President’s energy bill approved by the House.  Southern Mississippi spoils TCU’s perfect football season.  Freddie Mack, upon reflection, uncovers $5 billion in unreported profits. 


Let’s briefly review each one:


  • UN inspectors obviously overlooked the donkey carts as weapons of mass destruction.  What’s next, exploding straw bundles?
  • Michael Jackson’s claims that there is no greater expression of love than sleeping with a little boy made be laid open to public view.  Do you know where your children are?
  • The Warren Commission Report does not match any account given on television this week by witnesses and learned investigators.  It further does not match any common sense reconstruction of the events of November 23, 1963.  How long are we going to be stone-walled?
  • How can Monsoor Ijaz (who has traced Bin Laden to Western Iran) upstage the CIA and all other intelligence gathering organizations?  Simple.  He knows of what he speaks.  Why not fire the CIA and hire him?
  • Are we ready to declare war on Iran for weapons of mass destruction?  Probably not, but what about the threat?  What if they have the Bomb AND Bin Laden?
  • Is there a chance that the president buggered a servant while in Buckingham Palace?  Probably not, since the heat is on.  Did the Queen hold Prince Charlie out of the limelight for fear that he might make a move on W?
  • The Turks have arrested a couple of suspects in the recent Istanbul bombings.  Give them a couple of days to interrogate these guys.  Perhaps we should subcontract the Guatanamo operations to the Turks.  (These are the guys whose Korean POW camps had a single strand of barbed wire around them.  NOBODY EVER attempted escape.  Get the message?)
  • Malvo claims to have been brainwashed while he was blowing away innocent victims.  Perhaps a brainwashed executioner should wield an axe to Malvo’s neck.  Isn’t that fair?
  • Mohammed is cooked.  What is the cooking time for a 185-pound person?
  • Peterson must stand trial.  No shit?
  • Mark Garagos has represented many high profile clients, most all of whom were convicted.  Who would hire the highest paid loser in Law World?
  • After several months, record producer Phil Spector is finally charged with murder after telling the cops, “I think I may have killed somebody.”  Do you think you may have committed a crime, Phil?
  • The energy bill died because it contained too many benefits for special interest groups.  ALL bills are the product of special interest groups.  What’s the big deal?
  • Southern Mississippi couldn’t beat anybody, yet they squashed the Frogs.  Beaten by Blackie Sherrill’s delta hayseeds?  Why would you ever bet on a college football game?
  • Okay, so it’s spread over three years – it’s not all at once.  Can you imagine not realizing that you had earned an extra $4.5 BILLION over the last three years?  This is an enterprise run by educated grown-ups who spend much of their time analyzing the state of the business, yet they missed by a huge margin for three friggin’ years.  They’re doing a great job, though, since they perform beyond their expectations, even if unwittingly.  Are these folks earning their huge salaries?  “Look here, Izzy.  I found another billion in the coffee kitty!”